Mr Mustard
You may remember that some months ago I encountered a big fan of the humble banana on a train journey. Well, yesterday I had the (mis)fortune to meet his evil twin.
Again, I had innocently boarded the tube and settled in for a quiet journey in the company of a book. There was only one other person in the carriage. He was sitting diagonally opposite me with a plastic supermarket carrier bag on his lap and a bread knife in his hand.
Needless to say, my interest was piqued.
My fellow tube traveller reached into his bag and casually pulled out a slice of loose white bread and a jar of Colman’s English Mustard. Evenly, thickly and smoothly, he carefully spread the mustard across the bread before proceeding to eat this mustardy morsel in a couple of happy bites.
Not being a huge fan of mustard myself, I struggled to stay immersed in my book. I desperately tried to ignore him as he smacked his lips and reached into the bag for another slice. But try as I might, my nose wrinkled and my stomach clenched as he smothered an even thicker layer of mustard onto this next piece of bread.
As the carriage filled though, fortunately so did his belly. After two more slices of mustard bread and a quick lick of the mustardy knife, he put the remains of the Colman’s jar back into the carrier bag, got off the train, and left me in mustard-free peace.
So this really begs two questions:
- Is the solo mustard sandwich a frequent occurrence that I just haven’t met until now?
- Why do these things happen to me?
Tags: annoying people, whimsy
August 11th, 2010 at 12:23 pm
1 – Not my idea of haute cuisine, so probably a rarity.
2 – Maybe you attract these people. Ned’s Atomic Dustbin released a video called Lunatic Magnets for the same reason.
August 11th, 2010 at 12:44 pm
Uugh – that’s disgusting. You’ll have to take some discreet snaps and start a gallery of these tube-chewing nutters.
Having said that my youngest loves a ketchup sandwich.
August 11th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
Years ago, when we were kids, we would visit friends of my parents just outside Rotterdam. For breakfast we would have (chocolate) hundreds and thousands sprinkled on lightly buttered white bread and make a sandwich. A Dutch delicacy apparently.
August 11th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
SimonB, I used to really like Neds once upon a time. Maybe that means something…
Hundreds and thousands on lightly buttered white bread is not a delicacy. It’s fairy bread, nothing more nothing less. Still, fairybread sandwiches sound better than ketchup ones. Yuck.
And welcome back Mondo!
August 11th, 2010 at 5:42 pm
I’ve never heard of such a thing. Though I am a big fan of HP Sauce on toast. Spread it thick!
August 11th, 2010 at 5:45 pm
I’m a big fan of mustard. Not alone on bread though. I seem to remember Kevin Costner feeding mustard sandwiches to the child he kidnapped in ‘A Perfect World’, so it’s almost certainly his fault.
August 11th, 2010 at 6:09 pm
Oh, EEEEW. I’ve got a horrible image of this man’s teeth, coated in a claggy paste of masticated, dark yellow bread and thickened spit. Imagine his breath! That is utterly disgusting.
August 11th, 2010 at 7:06 pm
oh, I LOVE this post!! I loved banana man too!! Very descriptive, and I can just see him bringing out yet another slice of white bread ready for a yummy mustard topping… In my mind he has a dirty anorak, glasses and greasy black hair and all the goodies are coming out of a Lidl or Farm Food carrier bag… but I’ve probably pushed it too far.
I am a mustard fan, and particularly English – none of your wimpy French or American for this fella… BUT…. I like it to accompany my main dish, not be it!
I agree with Mondo, you’ve got to start snapping these people with the mobile phone, your readers demand it!
P
August 11th, 2010 at 7:40 pm
back home in australia my gran makes the mustard from powder – with water if you want it hot, with a little milk if you’re in a milder mood. either way, it was never the done thing to slap it on a piece of bread and chow down. it was for ham. mostly at christmas. in the stinking heat…..
August 11th, 2010 at 9:48 pm
Mmmm, thanks everyone for your kind messages… HP sauce on toast, Kevin Costner, mustard breath… yes, thanks…
Piley, since you’re so interested in tube nutters I’d be glad to fill in the details. Think white, short blonde crew cut, pudgy, sports gear and an ASDA carrier bag. And as much I’d like to snap these people, I just can’t. I’m too damn polite to just shamelessly point the camera at people. I once took a photo from behind of someone so impressively demonstrating the low slung trousers look that most their bum was hanging out and I still feel bad.
Hello Bree and welcome. Sounds like your Gran’s recipe might be of interest to mustard man. If it works with ham, it’ll sure work on its own.
August 11th, 2010 at 10:31 pm
you wont be setting up a new blog to rival Rockmothers new one ‘Tube Tales’ then??
http://tubetales.tumblr.com/
This is fascinating…. I love these pics
August 12th, 2010 at 10:00 am
Piley – that’s brilliant, thanks.
See also http://london-underground.blogspot.com/ for fashion victims and more in the mix.
August 12th, 2010 at 10:03 pm
Thanks Piley and Simon for those links. There’s some fabulous pics in Rockmother’s blog and it’s delightfully voyeuristic. However, I’d obviously be furious if I saw myself in one!
August 13th, 2010 at 12:04 am
You really do meet a better class of nutter on the tube. I hate mustard on any thing but on it’s own on bread ?????? lumme !!!!!!!!!. Your piece made me smile :-).
August 13th, 2010 at 2:00 pm
What a sicko! :-)
August 14th, 2010 at 10:49 pm
does seem a bit odd and compulsive. Hemingway use to eat onion sandwiches.