The fan
Near my work is an arcade containing a man selling autographs. I’ve never been in, I’m not particularly interested in buying the signatures of famous people I’ve never met. But I’ve often wondered who actually bothers going to the effort of getting those autographs in the first place. I now know. It’s probably someone similar to the woman who kindly provided my early Saturday evening entertainment last weekend.
Wanting to cram in some quick food before a concert, I dragged Mr C. to an old haunt in Covent Garden, a restaurant called Koha. Now despite its proximity to the stage doors of both the Wyndham and Noel Coward theatres, this dark bistro always struck me as a quiet, unassuming place conveniently tucked away down a back court far from the tourists. How naïve I was – not at 6.30pm on a Saturday night it isn’t. It is transformed; by day a restaurant on seedy back street stinking of piss, by early evening glamour central.
At least it is if you consider the cast of the play Calendar Girls glamorous.
For there, sitting on the other side of our table by the window was June Brown i.e. Dot-Cotton-from-EastEnders, chain smoking (just like she used to on the telly!) and enjoying a pre-Calendar Girls performance glass of wine with a friend.
As much as I tried not to stare at her impressive way with a cigarette, another woman of about my age was equally and less subtly interested. She was a fan. Obviously excited, with her eyes darting round, she leaned over their adjacent tables outside and attempted some polite conversation with the chain smoker extraordinaire. Unfortunately I couldn’t a hear a word of this exchange through the glass and was forced to return to studying the menu. Not for long though as the fan suddenly leaped from her seat, mid-conversation with June/Dot, grabbed a yellow booklet from her bag, and ran off down the ally chasing a distant figure.
The fan soon returned to her table, waving a newly signed Calendar Girls programme victoriously at her companion. This was to set the scene for the evening.
During the course of our meal, the fan dashed away from her strategically placed table and long-suffering friend at least half a dozen times. Through our window we could see her begging signatures from a range of middle-aged women and/or ex East Enders stars. Anita Dobson dutifully signed and Jack Ryder (remember him, Jamie Mitchell in Enders) happily grinned for a photograph. In fact, he posed for two because the first one didn’t come out and she had to go and find him again.
Now I’ve stood in book signing queues in my life and I’ve known people who’ve gone to fan conventions to hunt down autographs, but I’ve never thought about staking out the stage door to harass minor celebrities. I can’t help but wonder what her motivation was? Is this her usual Saturday night entertainment? Does she collect anyones autographs or does she just feel an affinity with this play? And do any of you have secret stalking tales to tell?
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:13 am
I have a number of stalking tales, some of which are astounding, but professional constraints preclude me from speaking about them. However, as both parties are now long since dead, I can at least reveal that one of them involved Falco (“Rock Me Amadeus”). You would be amazed (or possibly, you wouldn’t) at the lengths people will go to and the degree of self-delusion that they will employ in the pursuit of their Object. And the ‘Objects’ are not always the ones you’d expect.
Maybe if you’re famous you develop a mechanism to cope with it (or you have the kind of ego that can be fed by it, to a degree). As a non-famous person who has also been ’stalked’, It’s anything but flattering, I can tell you.
As I often say in Clinical Supervision, “there are some real nutters out there”.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:26 am
Piley’s the one for autographs he’s literally got multiple volumes of them.
I’ve only ever asked for two Cilla Black and Ray Allen ( I was 9 at the time).
I know a couple of bods from a band mainly famous in the 80s, and they still get nutter alerts. One of them was stalked for years. A girl left a voicemail message on his answerphone saying this will last for exactly seven years. He was posted animal body parts, postcards from all over the world written in blood and whenever he was out with a new girlfriend would get a phone message saying I saw you out with “name of new girlfriend” today. Terrifying. But true to her word it stopped exactly seven years later to the day.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:49 am
It’s par for the course for celebs. Why anyone wants anyone to sign something is a mystery, but there’s a massive market for it and I have been guilty of it myself too, but only a few: Cilla, Brucie, Cliff and er, Lindsay Coulson (for a friend).
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:09 am
Ok, when I wrote this post I was thinking of more innocent autograph hunting – of the loitering around the stage entrance / red carpet variety NOT posting animal body parts in the mail. Or indeed nutters stalking readers of this blog (what’s that about ISBW?!)
So have you met Cliff then F-C? What colour is he in real life?!
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:35 pm
I’ve had drink with June Brown sat on bale of straw at Glasto she was there to support her nephew who was playing, she was really nice we got he glass of wine and she made everyone shut up and listen to her nephew. I’ve got the odd book signed and that’s about it.
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:43 pm
nice story, BLTP – June Brown and you on a bale of straw! Was her nephews band any good, any one we might know?
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:48 pm
I’ve never done anything like this. That’s probably because I’ve never been in an area where there are any sort of celebs, including minor ones.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:35 pm
It’s also probably because you’ve got better things to do with your life, Keith, than hanging around cold dark streets asking soap stars for their signatures!
November 4th, 2009 at 12:07 am
oh dear… this hits a nerve!! As Mondo mentions I am very interested n autographs! But I run my a very strict code of conduct, and no matter if it’s an autograph i want or no, will never approach people in the street, whilst eating etc etc. In fact ANY time they are ‘off duty’. Most of my collection i’ve got from writing to people over the last 20 odd years, and meeting celebs at collector events. All of which is ‘fair game’ Especially when they are charging you 15 or 20 quid for the auto!
November 4th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Piley, I’ve gathered through the podcasts that you’ve got a pretty good autograph collection! You definitely have to post something about it. The world of autograph collecting is completely foreign to me – not just the chasing people up the street variety, but the organised convention side too. I was really suprised by that article in the last Word mag about Doctor Who autos. It would just never enter my mind to get the autograph of someone who was on screen for a couple of minutes in one episode. Clearly it’s addictive though for some people!
November 4th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Bloody hell, Mondo’s description of his mate’s stalking experience reminds me that I got off lightly (or have done so far. You never know who’s watching.).