The gentlemen’s club
It’s 7.30pm and I’m standing on the corner waiting to cross Tottenham Court Road. A group of middle-aged Americans are hovering around nearby. They have the slightly befuddled air that implies that they are tourists. They are looking for somewhere to eat.
‘How about there? That place looks ok.’ says one pointing at a building just down the road.
‘That place with the doormen? It seems really expensive.’
‘Maybe it’s a club! One of those English gentlemen’s clubs I was reading about in the guidebook! Some of them are meant to be beautiful inside, with roaring fires, antique furniture and that kind of thing’ says one of the women excitedly. ‘I’d love to see inside one of those clubs. Do you think we could just go in for a drink or do you have to be a member?’
‘I’d like to see an old-time gentlemen’s club too. It would be so English. Let’s ask if we can go in.’
‘Hey, we can pretend to be like Sherlock Holmes!’ another jokes.
It is indeed a ‘gentlemen’s club’. It is Spearmint Rino, London’s premiere lap-dancing venue. It probably doesn’t contain any well-meaning detectives solving mysteries by the light of a roaring fire.
Should I be a good citizen and tell them this? Or are they the type of visitor that I’ve heard about at talks by the city’s tourism promotion organisation, Visit London, who has been here many times and is looking for ‘something different’. Surely the picture of the semi-naked woman by the door will give them the information they need to make an informed choice anyway.
It does. Just before the lights change and I’m forced to cross the road, I have time to see their, at first shocked, then crestfallen faces as they approach the club and discover the truth.
‘Maybe we should just go to that Pizza Hut we saw before…’ I hear one of the women say glumly as I step out into the street.
I still feel their disappointment.
Tags: mindless minutiae
February 23rd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I must admit to giving tourist advice on occasion I feel beholden to do so to counteract the stereotype of the londoner as taciturn misanthropic wretch, I also feel bad for people who end up going to madam tussards etc.
I usually try to send them to Borough market or to greenwch or the Sir John Soan museum oh and a good pub.
Oh and sherlock holmes “well meaning”?
February 23rd, 2009 at 3:20 pm
You’re right. I should have described him as noble, nosey, brilliant or some other such thing. Miss Marple is well meaning!
February 23rd, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I’m with BLTP; I make a point of being charm personified to any tourists I encounter, just to counteract the five million miserable scrotes they will undoubtedly meet whilst in London or the South of England. Those poor Americans.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Well, you’re both putting me to shame then. I’m happy to help people if they ask, but I’m afraid that 4 years of working pretty much next to Trafalgar Square in my last job has given me less tolerance than I should have.
February 24th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
having thought about isn’t spearmint rhino an america club anyway so these yanks were fairly unworldly even by the scale of your steorotypical american. This unpaid tour guide lark isn’t always a bed of roses the other day i gave less than firm reply to some lost bloke ,as in “I’m fairly sure it’s down that way” and this old bloke tells me ” well fairly sures no f*cking good to me your loads of help f**king help mate ” and drove off I almost kicked his tail lights in .
February 24th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Is it? I don’t know. To be fair, I don’t think you could actually see the Spearmint Rino sign from where they were – just the suited and booted doormen, posh potplants and the words gentlemen’s club.
Was your nasty directions bloke a Londoner?!
February 25th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I actually always wanted to go to a gentlemen’s club like you would see in movies or read about in books.
February 26th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Me too Keith. Although I am not a gentleman, I would be curious to see if they are like you imagine them to be from reading books. There must be some places around which are still very traditional like that.